A new Pope

We are trying to get a friend of my sisters elected Pope. I know it is a long shot but he is a baptised Catholic male that isn't married, never divorced. When asked what name he would take because the Pope never takes his real name, he said how about Pope Butch the First.

Great name, so I sent him an email:

OK tell his Holiness Butch the First, I'm looking for a few things from him when he takes over:

1. Change the taste of the wafer, Honey, BBQ, Ranch, Cheddar or Jalapeno Flavor I get the symbolism but the taste is horrible.

2. I want more than a sip of wine, I don't need a bottle but the after taste of the wafer in my throat needs a little liquid to wash it down. Come on everyone knows about a Dog and a beer, Cookies and milk got it, Wine and cheese, Coffee and donuts, Wafer and wine. Give me a cup; I will pay for it in my donation.

3. Lets make confession fun for everyone (posted anonymously of course) the top ten sins of the week kind of of David Letterman thing. Have everyone vote at Sunday Mass for the best sins of the week. If your sin is number one at the end of the week, you get a prize. Maybe first place is everlasting life or no more confession forever, something good not a ribbon or t-shirt.

4. Get rid of the little red cardinal hats, how about a baseball cap with LA Diocese, or Cardinal of South Africa. Keep the Pope hat, which by the way is very cool.

5. Lets work on the dress code at mass for everyone. Tuxedos and ball gowns are not required but if I see one more hoochie wearing tight spandex and earrings the size of Texas with the husband wearing his " Good Overalls" I will commit a sin.

6. I think we need a refined Ten Commandments; Coveting Thy Neighbors Wife needs some work. We are in a new Millennium, not everyone wants the wife these days, unless you live on Wisteria Lane.

7. I want Butch the First to get rid of the incense. If I want to burn my nose hairs I will call a drug dealer.

8. I am not real cool on the raising of the hands thing in mass. It's early in the morning and all of that standing, kneeling, sitting, I get tired; remember it is mass not a workout at the Y.

9. Keep the uniforms for Catholic School girls. I will be very honest; you definitely got that right.

10.. Last but not least, if the priest can't speak English because he is from the 3rd world, get a freaking nun to hold the mass. I am not suggesting that you let women in the priest hood, (Confession for young men would be very interesting) Trust me it is more important to understand what's going on and to make sure I am on the right page, than to have a little dude from the Philippines mumbling on stage.


Let His Holiness know I'm working on his election and if he needs something from me he should call on the phone or email me. I already have too many voices in my head and I am not sure I will be able to pick his voice out from the rest.


Thanks in advance, your servant

Pete