Friday, April 22, 2005

Whoooo Hooo

I came home today from work and thank the gods I have phone service and cable.

Be Careful

If your name is Jennifer beware, Ben Affleck is getting engaged to Jennifer 2. Watch out Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Anniston, you could be next

Monday, April 18, 2005

My Weekend

Lets see what happened to me this past weekend. On Friday night while a crew was digging a hole to plant a tree at my place the crew drilled through a conduit that contained the telephone wires to apartment. So as of Friday night no phone, no internet. On Sunday while trying to fix the phone they broke the cable box.

Now I have no phone and no cable, I am at work at 5:45 pm adding to my blog and checking my emails. What a life I am having. Everything back working on Thursday or Friday.

No Pope yet just black smoke. Come on Butchie we are pulling for you.


Thursday, April 14, 2005

A new Pope

We are trying to get a friend of my sisters elected Pope. I know it is a long shot but he is a baptised Catholic male that isn't married, never divorced. When asked what name he would take because the Pope never takes his real name, he said how about Pope Butch the First.

Great name, so I sent him an email:

OK tell his Holiness Butch the First, I'm looking for a few things from him when he takes over:

1. Change the taste of the wafer, Honey, BBQ, Ranch, Cheddar or Jalapeno Flavor I get the symbolism but the taste is horrible.

2. I want more than a sip of wine, I don't need a bottle but the after taste of the wafer in my throat needs a little liquid to wash it down. Come on everyone knows about a Dog and a beer, Cookies and milk got it, Wine and cheese, Coffee and donuts, Wafer and wine. Give me a cup; I will pay for it in my donation.

3. Lets make confession fun for everyone (posted anonymously of course) the top ten sins of the week kind of of David Letterman thing. Have everyone vote at Sunday Mass for the best sins of the week. If your sin is number one at the end of the week, you get a prize. Maybe first place is everlasting life or no more confession forever, something good not a ribbon or t-shirt.

4. Get rid of the little red cardinal hats, how about a baseball cap with LA Diocese, or Cardinal of South Africa. Keep the Pope hat, which by the way is very cool.

5. Lets work on the dress code at mass for everyone. Tuxedos and ball gowns are not required but if I see one more hoochie wearing tight spandex and earrings the size of Texas with the husband wearing his " Good Overalls" I will commit a sin.

6. I think we need a refined Ten Commandments; Coveting Thy Neighbors Wife needs some work. We are in a new Millennium, not everyone wants the wife these days, unless you live on Wisteria Lane.

7. I want Butch the First to get rid of the incense. If I want to burn my nose hairs I will call a drug dealer.

8. I am not real cool on the raising of the hands thing in mass. It's early in the morning and all of that standing, kneeling, sitting, I get tired; remember it is mass not a workout at the Y.

9. Keep the uniforms for Catholic School girls. I will be very honest; you definitely got that right.

10.. Last but not least, if the priest can't speak English because he is from the 3rd world, get a freaking nun to hold the mass. I am not suggesting that you let women in the priest hood, (Confession for young men would be very interesting) Trust me it is more important to understand what's going on and to make sure I am on the right page, than to have a little dude from the Philippines mumbling on stage.

Let His Holiness know I'm working on his election and if he needs something from me he should call on the phone or email me. I already have too many voices in my head and I am not sure I will be able to pick his voice out from the rest.

Thanks in advance, your servant


Friday, April 01, 2005

My wish

Having this young lady (who by everyone that knew her) claims she was the most private person and didn't really like to have her picture taken, it is so wrong that her picture has been spread all over the world. I have stated not only do I not want to be hooked up, I don't even want to be plugged in. Just jam me full of painkillers and stick me in the corner, I will die and that is it. I shudder to think that there is someone out their that doesn't believe me I DON'T WANT THE MACHINE AS PART OF ME, DARTH VADER IS JUST A MOVIE CHARACTER.


I will awake from my coma and I will kill everyone in sight. Count on it.

To video tape anyone in that state and then to release it to the media, is absolutely horrid. To video me, the man that doesn't like having his picture taken would crush what little spirit I have left in an almost lifeless body. I am a private person who relishes my privacy and that will probably cause me to die alone and if anyone should publicize my suffering you are not fulfilling my wishes.

Do not FUCK me over and who ever steps in and claims that I was drunk when I wrote this, they are lying. One of you will think that you know what's best for me and will try to convince the others that I really want to be hooked up to a machine so that YOU ALL could feel better about yourselves, WRONG.

My wishes are known to all including GOD. I believe my spirit will live longer that in the body that it is currently resides in. I honestly believe all of us are more than just these "bags of chemicals and water" we drag around. I want to be cremated and I want a contest to decide what happens to my ashes, yep a contest. Everyone at the funeral gets to write down what they they think should happen to my ashes. Trust me I don't want to sit on someone's shelf or mantle.

If anyone wants to know what I want well I probably would like a sightseeing trip, how about everyone take a baggy or a little box of my ashes and take me everywhere. Or you could send me to experience a week with each person at the funeral, kind off like the Stanley Cup Trophy. I think that after a while most of the ashes will have been spilt all over the place and I will in essence BE EVERYWHERE AT ONCE, (I have been complaining for years about how I can't be in more than one place at once , well when I die yes I can.

I want a funeral where everyone will show up and tell lies, (all funerals are about lies, great guy , what a shame he died, blah, blah, blah) about me to everyone else that will agree with the lies. I want lots of music and flowers for all of the women to take home, they like the flowers not me. The music should be rock no god damn church funeral music. No choir no lady in the back playing the cello or a flute.

Have a party afterwards and then everyone take home a piece of me in a baggy or in a box.

These are my wishes.