Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Bad day, a real bad day. It started at 6:45 am and strangely enough it ended at 6:45 pm.

M failed to install ISP correctly at the new store. I worked freaking 11 hours today most of the time on payroll. J worked 80.00 regular hours and 37.00 OT hrs in the pay period. M was up set that I questioned her about the fact that her payroll wasn’t done, accurate, ready or completed. She melted down and blamed her payroll problem on J and me for some strange reason. How J is involved I don’t know.

As I mentioned the other day I am now the marketing director, manager, supervisor, lackey.

B. asked me about you this afternoon. He wanted to know if you were OK and if I had talked to you or heard from you. I told him that you were doing great and that you were back where you wanted to be and that most importantly; you were, (I can’t believe I will state this) where you belonged. I told him you were dating someone in your home town and that you were real happy.

I told him that you were happy and that everything was good between us. He asked if I was going to leave here and move to your town to be with you, I said "No" and I asked why would he ask that question. He said that he heard a rumor that I was unhappy here in California without you and I was thinking about leaving California. He stated that he assumed that meant I was leaving to be with you.

I explained that his sources were good but not accurate. Yes, You could say, I am miserable and you could also say that I was, I am, I might be maybe thinking about leaving California. But not for Michigan, (your feelings about me are clear), but maybe some place south of you. Some place new.

I have interviewed for a few companies that are far away from here, far, far away from the memories and the past. I know it is a long time ago for you, but you know for me, some days, some places, are still real hard to deal with. I really do feel strongly about going away and putting the past behind me. I can’t imagine being here very much longer, I seem to be the outcast, the person everyone wants to pity.

Here are the friendship conversations you wanted,

I know that we feel different about each other and it is OK.

Look no disrespect or malice intended, REALLY. Friend to friend.

“Cross my heart, and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye”
Not in bad way but How did you move on?
I’m sure that you stopped loving me long before you told me you were leaving.
I imagine you waiting for the moment to tell me you were leaving and somehow for months you were afraid of telling me.
How did you hold all of this inside you?
Were you that afraid of me?
Did you really feel that I didn’t love you?
Did you really think it didn’t matter to me that you left?
Was I that mean to R and you?

I look back now and I realize that you were unhappy for a long time and, Look, no offense, but I believe love, true love doesn’t reside in a zip code.

Sometimes late at night I really, really hate you and sometimes I really, really thank -you.

I became more than “me” when I was with you. I was “OVER CHICKED” with you. I don’t know the answers you ever gave to your friends and family when they asked you,


When anyone, everyone asked me that question, I always said the same thing,

You made your decision and you got what you wanted, you said “damn everybody else”, go for it. You made a decision that your family was more important than we were. It’s OK because, you became the mother you were destined to be, the person you always wanted to be.

God has decided that we were only supposed to be together for a short period of time, yeah ten years is a short time. I really did give everything I had and it was not enough. I never wanted to be a dad but you changed my mind and I will always look at R and R as “my children” and even though you and they won’t admit it and no one else will admit it, “I AM PROUD OF THEM” and “I DID THE BEST I COULD!! “

Unfortunately, I lost out, well maybe I didn’t lose. I learned a lot from you, but my god, for a while there we were good together, really good together.

Look, please respond to me, you cast al large shadow and most importantly, tell me how you feel, tell me what is inside of you. Tell me what you want. I have nothing to loose, your gone.

Will your silence; can your silence hurt me any more?
It has taken a long time for me to get some of this out and I am probably a year or two too late.

Sometimes I am mean and nasty, sometimes I am rotten and inconsiderate, but I will always be your fiend.

Love forever

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

I am laying my heart out here and you know it. I know you are happy where you are and you know I am miserable. I wish I was there and yet all I know is that, what your happy?, your miserable? You never really tell me. It seems your holding something back while I just long to be near someone, I need to be wanted.

I can't believe I ever chose work over you. In the all time worst trades in history in the history of trades I fucked up. I look back at a decade of bad decision's and stupid ego and regret, (yeah regret a fucking big word for me), a lot.

How is possible something that was soright has gone so bad so fast.

My hurt is real and deep and I would give it all away for a real minute with you, just to look in your eyes and to hold you again. I know it will never happen but thought keeps me alive most nights.

I am looking for support for someone to pump me up to lift my spirits all the things you used to do.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Once again I got screwed. I work in a small office that is technically a satellite office across town from our main office. Today is Monday the 5th of July and our main office is closed but no one told my assistant or me. We both showed up for work before 8:00am this morning, 7:45am for me 7:55 am for her. No message on the answering machine, no message on the voice-mail. I send my assistant to 3 different restaurants to complete some employee opinion surveys. When I talk to one of our restaurant managers he says to me, “Why are you working today the office is closed.” I said, “ If the office was closed I would know about it” He looks at me with a shit eating grin and says, “The office is closed, they didn’t tell you”

I place a call to the main office and sure enough the answering machine is on. I call the owner and as usual no answer. I page him and I then call my assistant and apologize for the mistake and I send her home with pay for the rest of the day with the promise that she can leave 2 hours early on Friday with pay.

The owner finally calls and says, “No one told you?” “Nope” I say I explained that I worked on Saturday and Sunday and talked to the Supervisors on Saturday and no one told me we were to be off today. He doesn’t say sorry just “ok” and hangs up.

It would not be so bad but for 12 years this has been shits been going on, the money is good but the treatment is intolerable. Maybe it is time to move on.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

I heard you were coming to town this weekend and my heart is alive. I know you are not coming to see me but some how deep down I am excited.

Is it possible I will see you and you will want to see me?

I can’t stop thinking about the possibilities that exist!

Will we be together or will we be apart?

Will you want to see me?

Do you still want me or am I just a FRIEND?

I will admit to exhilaration that I haven’t had in a long time.

I am afraid to call you, but I have too. The possibilities are too important. I cannot stand the “not knowing” How will you look, how will I look, what will you say to me, what will I say to you?

Will you hug me, will you kiss me? Will you spend time with me or as I suspect lots of time with others and a little time with me.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

The pain is temporary. The memories last forever. Just keep going. Just keep going.