Thursday, February 02, 2006


I am amazed at the twists and turns that the journey of life takes us.If 25 years ago you showed me were I am now, I would never have believed it.20 years ago, (1986) I was married, successful and happy. My wife was a stunningly gorgeous woman that took my breath away. She was intellectually bright, book smart and had a photographic memory that was eerie. We could discuss politics, the economy and trivial moments in history. She worked out every day and she was the object of desire for many yet she chose me to share her life with me and we married. She had class and always dressed up to go out even to the supermarket. Her hair was never out of place, never out of style, never out of control and always perfect. I felt that I married a goddess, a women that all men desired.

Yet she always needed something more. She wasn’t happy or satisfied with us, with me, with herself; first it was a new car, then new furniture, new stuff, a new house, and then suddenly the need for a new “HER”. She desired a new body, (nose, cheeks, chin and breasts) and all I really wanted was the American dream; a big house; a great job; a wife and a family.

The house part was easy, and we both perused the great jobs but the family thing became an issue; a big issue. It seemed to me that she didn’t to want to get pregnant, (it would make her “fat and ugly”). She talked about waiting, until we were older, wiser and “better off”. Money seemed to be something she worried about and something I brought home.

Finally she became pregnant and after a few months she miscarried. It was just before Christmas. The aftermath of that terrible incident showed me the hatred two people could have for each other. We could not agree on anything and rarely spoke a few words to each other in a day.

I blamed her, “You never really wanted the baby. You lost the baby on purpose.” She blamed me, “I just did it for you, and I never wanted baby anyways.”

My god we would have been terrible parents to that child.

It was my fault; it was her fault, then the lawyers, the house, the money, my family, her family, then divorce, etc. Everything ended and the result was a broken marriage and damaged heart for me. I became bitter, angry and a terrible person to be around. Hell, I didn’t like me.

I then drifted in life; I had different jobs, different addresses, and mostly different desires. The winds of despair took me from heaven to hell, here and there and being miserable became an ok place for me. There were spiritual and physical highs but there were many lows that only a few have known. A completely altered person came out of that brutal period of my life. Women drifted in and out, friends came and went and life just happened.
Finally, God took pity on me and rescued me with one of his angels and I could not have imagined that today she is just a memory.

I was so madly in LOVE with a completely different woman than my first wife. She was so alive, she was bright, and she was younger than me yet wiser than her years. She liked to read and kept up with current events, she watched the news most nights and read the newspaper daily. She loved baseball and new what RBI, ERA and meant and could tell if a pitcher balked and knew what the Infield Fly Rule was. She drank beer and ate peanuts and enjoyed a Dodger Dog at the game. She could curl up on the couch with a blanket and drift off to sleep and the angelic look on her face should be on a painting in the Louvre. She was a mother of two young boys when we met and she lived for her boys, and my god I truly learned what a parent really was and discovered that I fell short in the “DAD” department. She was proud of her children and always wanted the best for them even if she suffered for their needs.

Her beauty was real and natural and she awoke from sleep each morning with an allure that is with me to this day. She made me want to be a better man; I wanted to be with her day and night and I wanted to stare into her eyes and to tell her that I loved her. When I was with her I felt better, hell not better I felt great and isn’t that what we all want; someone to make us feel better. I would dream of us growing old together and walking hand in hand with a love for each other that would never end. I reveled in her beauty, I mean some described her as cute but I always thought she was stunning. She had a personal style that few women could match and she always knew what was the appropriate attire, costume, hair, make-up, shoes, and accessories for the moment.
She was a flirt and everyone loved her and everyone wanted to be with her. I confessed to her many a time that it must be tough to wanted all the time.
She was a whirlwind of activity, work, kids friends activities, etc.

When asked by a cousin of mine at a family reunion once, “What does she do for you?” I replied with the convincing remark, “SHE MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON.” I felt “over chicked” and delighted in my fortune and the miracle of God that I actually was apart of. When she touched me I felt as if all of my anger, pain, frustration and poison left my body and disappeared. She was the angel that was sent here for me and I felt blessed. I was lucky and new it.

I was in LOVE and things were good, real good, we almost blended into one, and I almost felt that I was a part of her and that she almost became a part of me.

Feeling that God owed me, I took my gift for granted and became lazy in the relationship. I held back a small part of me and I never truly committed all of my self to her. I somehow feared a repeat of my first marriage and I continued to hold back a part of myself, until it was too late.

My decision to withhold that little bit of myself, caught up with me and when she decided to leave me I once again crashed into hell. When she was ready to marry, I couldn’t commit. When I was ready to commit, she was ready to move on in life. Oh my god, the tragedy of timing.

Hell isn’t what you read about in the bible, and it isn’t something you see in a Hollywood movie, it isn’t a real place at all; it exists only in your mind, in your head, night after night. Dreading sleep each night is a terrible way to go through life, I know because I feared the nightmares, the terrible ways you make your self suffer in a nightmare each and every night for a thousand nights takes away a bit of you. Waking up tired each and every morning from the long journeys I took each night took it’s toll on my body and my spirit and I tried to find ways to cheat the

For a while I went to bed early thinking I would cheat the demons in my head, in my soul and maybe get to sleep before the self-destruction occurred in my dreams. It never really worked; the spirits in my soul found my head each and every night to torment my loneliness. I then convinced my self that the demons found me each night because I went to bed early. I decided that I would not go to bed until real late, like 2 or 3 in the morning late. I believed that the evil spirits would never find me and I would be awake at 5:30 am before the nightly destruction of my soul began. What a great idea I had, what a disaster it turned out to be. I almost destroyed my body to stay up late each night and also I performed terribly at work and once again I became the angry man I was before.

Carrying around the bitterness in your life is tedious, time consuming and it kills your future most of all. The anger that you carry always makes you look behind to remind yourself why you are angry and as such never forward. I never wanted to see the possibilities of my life; I only wanted to remind myself and everyone else of my failed and destructive past.

It is very peculiar to realize that you are not alone in life but that you are so very lonely. I had people around me that cared and I met a few women that seemed interesting but I didn’t care about myself so relationships never really materialized or developed.

I once again blamed GOD and held him in contempt for my loneliness and my anger. It couldn’t be might fault, it must be Gods desire or maybe it was his lack of attention that made me suffer once again.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Super Bowl Sunday

This has been my holiday for years. I have missed only 1 Super Bowl on TV since 1977 and that was in 1998 when Denver beat Green Bay. At the last minute, I took over someone else's job and low and behold on Super Bowl Sunday a surprise visit from our corporate headquaters. Yep freakin Superbowl Sunday and I am at work answering bullshit questions to a corporate lacky that has no clue that it is my only day off that week and it is the SUPERBOWL.

That is until this year, I will be riding my new motorcycle on Superbowl Sunday out in the desert and I don't care who wins or loses. I will arrive home late, tired, dirty and sore. I will be exhausted but I will have had the time of my life!