Sunday, December 31, 2006

Merry Christmas

Jesus Christ,

Everything changed and it took me two freaking weeks to remember my password.

OK what a shitty year 2006 was on so many levels. Personally, financially, love wise, work wise, health wise, and relationships just drilled me all year long.

Dating was my first highlight and by far my first lowlight, (Is that really possible?)

Ask me and I will fill in the details.

I found a new friend and I lost my soul mate.

I meant a new someone early in the year and when I lost my job she just disappeared.

Yes, I was laid off from my job and spent 3 months trying to recover from the shock to my pride.

I found out early in the year that I was lied to, used, betrayed, taken advantage of financially and made a fool of in front of my co-workers in a relationship a few years ago.

Christmas Day this year was good and I finally realized how much bullshit I put up for the past 20+ years with a wife, different girlfriends and their families. The shit I used to put up with, (Christmas lights up and down, trips to the airport, gifts for people I didn't like or even know, etc) and all of the wasted time I spent driving here and there, lying to the wife/girlfriends and their respective families about how important they were and how much they meant to me and all I wanted to do was get away from everyone and do Christmas MY WAY.Selfish Yes, most definately Yes, but after all of the crappy Chrsitmas' I have been through, I think I am due a little "Christmas for me."

When I was financially broke and in a very tight spot, I gave money to someone that that was also in a tight spot and NEVER received all of the cash back. I guess it was assumed that it wasn't a loan but a gift. To me, Christmas has become a financial burden and more importantly, the day that I feel I am taken advantage of.

Everyone doesn't need a Play Station or a diamond necklace. When I would give hundreds of dollars in cash to a girlfriends sister, brother or kids so they could buy Christmas gifts, I was astounded on Christmas Day to see they spent a very small portion on my wife/girlfriend and they pocketed the rest. Taking my cash and giving it to your "DAD" so he can buy drugs isn't a Christmas gift.

It is bad enough I had to repeatedly buy clothes for some of you on Sunday nights when you were dropped off from your weekend with your "REAL DAD" because he "forgot the suitcase" and you had no clothes for school on Monday.

I put Christmas lights up at someone’s parents house only to hear what a terrible job I did. I wasn't married, we were only dating, but after 3 hours of untangling the diabolical root ball from last year, I had just put up the lights, (without help) and the first words from her mom were, "Oh my God, there are two red lights in a row. That boy is an idiot."

I was 40+ years old and I was still just a "Boy". No apology, no support from the girlfriend, just that look that a guy gets when he is in real trouble. That year I got her diamond earrings and she gave me a sweatshirt. She didn't get a valentines gift from me.

Christmas became a chore for me and I dreaded the day months in advance. It was bad enough that I am allergic to pine sap and handling any Christmas tree caused a large rash on my body. "You cut it wrong, you got the wrong kind, It's too small, It is already dry and will die soon", Christmas has been tough holiday for me.

"Your family or mine?, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? We have to clean the house again because my family is coming over. We are cooking this year. If you don't go to my sisters, I am not going to your sister's. We only spent $50.00 on my dad, we need to get him more.

When I heard from the girlfriend one year, "that her child "A" had more gifts than her child "B" and we needed to "go get more gifts for child B", I pretty much lost it. Instead of enjoying the day, it became about 15 gifts versus 11 gifts.

Christmas should be about friendship, love, respect and family, not money and gifts.
Over time I learned that , "We will only spend for our families and the kids, Don't get me anything", really means "You won't get anything, but give me money for my family and kids, and make sure I am surprised Christmas morning."

I know that I should have "COMMUNICATED" my wants and desires in advance, but looking back over the years; so should my wife/girlfriend, RIGHT?

I am not whining/ranting here, I have had lots of great Christmas' in my life and I cherish the memories spent in the snow that year, spent in our new place together, spent together as a couple for the first time. I remember my first bike, my first gift from my wife and the many surprise gifts I received from girlfriends over the years.

I have spent some Christmas mornings alone and some were spent with an overwhelming amount of family and I know that it isn't the "amount", it is the "attitude"

Merry Christmas
Happy Holidays
Joyeux Noël
Frohe Weihnachten
Веселое Рождество
Feliz Navidad
Natale allegro
Wesoły Boże Narodzenie
Hilaris Sarcalogos

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Happy Thnksgiving 2006

I won't be with the family this Thanksgiving, but I will be out in the desert riding my ass off on my motorcycle and eating dust and sand. We will be feasting on peanut butter sandwiches and drinking warm drinks (when the ice melts, instead of Turkey and such.)

We are leaving Wednesday morning and coming back on MONDAY!! Yep freakin MONDAY, hopefully escaping the traffic nightmare that is legendary in Southern California on Thanksgiving weekend. A few years ago it took 2 hours to go 20 miles on the Sunday after Thanksgiving.

If someone gets hurt, really pissed off or if I need a shower bad enough we will come back early (but pray to Buddha we are all safe) we seem to be stocked up and planned out to survive the end of the world.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

What do you know?

All the credit to Jim Leland and the Detroit Tigers. If you like pitching the A's vs. the Tigers starting on Tuesday is worth watching. My God, a single win against the Royals in the last series of the year and Detroit has home field advantage against the A's.

Hey, Giambi, A-Rod, Jeter and the rest of the "Greatest Yankee team ever" What happened? Looking past the Tigers at Oakland cost you, cost you big time.

Come on Dodgers, I have tickets to Sundays game vs the Mets and a win on Saturday night would be good.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Uh Oh it is October

Whoo Hoo LA Dodgers are in the playoffs and going to New York to face the beat up Mets.

Tiger fans what has happened to your team? Swept by the Royals this weekend.The once mighty Tigers gave up 49 runs in 3 games this weekend and now must travel to New York to face the Yankees. Win one game against the Royals and you get to start the playoffs at home against Oakland. El sweepo and now you are on the road with a tough series ahead against the best team in baseball.

Good Luck

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

It is about the game and only the game.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

It is about the game and only the game.

I have lived in or around LA most of my life and consider my self a sports fan, not really a LA sports fan, but a sports fan. College football seems to be a passion right now and it used to be the NFL but ESPN, FOX, CBS and NBC have hyped the games so much that it is hard to see the game thru the lengthy commercials and the promos for their own shows, WHILE THE GAME IS BEING PLAYED. All of the pre-game shows are brutal to watch, to follow and seemed to be geared to the fair weathered fan. Very little game information is shown or presented just lots of hype about a players struggle when they were growing up, or the sibling that is sick, ill or dead, or the “foundation” they set up to help the disadvantaged. We get the pre-requisite comedic interview with a player, coach or team executive that is continually teased but fails to deliver any valuable information. We also get comments from the studio hosts about what it was like when they played and one of the ex-players always, ALWAYS, supports one of their buddies in trouble or in the doghouse for a bad performance, “He’s just misunderstood”.

ESPN is the worst with the NFL on Monday Night Football. Now that they have the game the hype, commercials, promos, crossovers, and Chris Berman and Stewart Scott are too much to handle. They, (ESPN) believe it is all about ESPN and we all watch just to see ESPN and to listen to Berman ramble on and on and make sound effects while showing highlights. The nicknames have always been lame and Stewart Scott, Do you really have a degree in journalism or has someone convinced you that what your doing is actually reporting? Why do you feel the need to introduce to the world new words for the English language?

I used to tape the show on ESPN that Ron Jaworski had on Monday afternoons before the game was on ABC and it was the best show about football ever. He would explain defenses and show on film the difference between “cover 2”, “nickel” and “dime” packages. Tendencies, trends and actual game film were presented, no player profiles. The show generated from the NFL Film studios in NJ and presented FOOTBALL and nothing else. I believe it was called Monday Night Match-up; it seems to have disappeared from ESPN’s MNF schedule only to be replaced by Chris Berman’s idiotic variety show.

ESPN has somehow convinced it self that the majority of its viewers had no life before MNF on ESPN and if we don’t watch all of their shows we are just missing out on the greatest event on TV. It still is called Monday Night FOOTBALL, not The Monday Night Television Special. I believe that they will eventually fail or at least change the substance of their programming because they broke the rule that dooms sports broadcasting; it is about the game and only the game. I now move on to what happened last night in LA.

I used to go to 5-10 Dodger games a year but it got to be expensive and a really long night. 1–2 hours down to the stadium, game time plus a 1-hour drive home. Last night while I was cleaning up around the house and I had the Dodger vs. Padres game on Fox Prime, (pick a name guys and stick with it will you) in the
den and I convinced myself to go to bed when the game ended. I was wrapping up my house cleaning when it was bottom of the ninth, the Dodgers down to the Padres 9-5. Game over I thought, but then I saw the greatest end to a baseball game ever, EVER.

Four home runs in a row from the Dodgers to come from behind to tie the game and then Nomar hits the walk off in the 11th to beat the Padres and the Dodgers regain the lead in the west. First Jeff Kent, then JD Drew and that’s when it got a little interesting. Future Hall of Fame reliever for the Padres Trevor Hoffman comes in and on his first pitch Russell Martin goes deep, WHOOO HOOO. Dodgers are down by one and then Marlon Anderson drives in the game tying shot. I scream aloud and realize it late but four home runs in a row wow, I’ve never seen that before and to tie up the game in the bottom of the ninth time to stop cleaning and pay attention.

The Padres score 1 in the top of the tenth and with Kenny Lofton at first base with a walk; Nomar hits the game winner and gives a little arm pump, and the Dodgers are back in first place.

Welcome back Peter Gammons it’s good to know you are OK.

It was time to go bed with a little smile on my face.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Remember it isn’t the destination it’s the journey.

September 19th, 2006

It is 78 degrees today and a beautiful day except for all of the smoke and ash from the “Day” fire. It looks like it will be a tough night for sleep; all of the windows will be closed which means the house will heat up. Going riding Wednesday up in Santa Ynez at a new Motocross Track for my brothers birthday, place looks great and it should be fun. Check it out at

I am amazed at the response to my RANT about my missing music CD’s. Most were sympathetic, some pointed out that it was my own damn fault for not “backing up” etc. Two comments were made by ladies that felt I got what I deserved? Hmmm friends of the ex-girlfriend maybe? I was very pleasantly surprised to be picked as the “RANT” of the day from

But the winner was from the ex-girlfriend; yep she read the blog, “Just to hear the latest and greatest” She made a few choice comments but that still doesn’t solve the case of the “missing” CD’S” Sounds like one of those “Two Minute Mystery” books I read in elementary school.

My CD’S are still:
· Stolen
· Missing
· Lost
· Thrown Away
· Borrowed
· Destroyed
· Donated, (Yep my favorite response.)
· Sold

Pick one, pick anyone they are still GONE!!!

I started the process of replacing my “LOST” (Does that make YOU feel better?) music this weekend. I purchased3 CD’s for $57.00. I am guessing that I will be spending a lot of time at the music stores in the county hunting for freaking sales, deals and bargains. I am not a ebay guy and it is not worth the hassle of buying a used CD for $3.00 only to find out that the disc is a copy or missing. Brick and Mortar still have a place in business/retail. I am sure that replacing the “missing” will take 6-months to year with my time and my budget.

Remember it isn’t the destination it’s the journey.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

why is this important?


Sunday, September 03, 2006

WTF where did they go?

Yes this is a rant, a rage, a mother f@*&^%$ pissed off complaint.

OK, I am the guy that buys a music CD for just one song. I know downloading is simple and easy, but I can’t do it. If I wrote a song, played on a track, wrote a book, story, etc and someone distributed it to the world and I didn’t get my compensation I would be enraged. Why is it not ok to steal someone’s car, their jewelry or their money but its ok to take their blood, sweat and effort and their work? Well it isn’t cool to steal anything, period.

I like apples itunes because I have to pay and it is my song, (for better or worse). Their software leaves a little to be desired and that’s where this all begins. I have downloaded only a handful of songs because if you lose your library, those purchased songs are pretty much gone forever.

I lost my itunes library; normally no big deal but I am the guy with 1200 CD’s, (well I used to be), I thought backing it up would save me, nope. I will have to fix this for the future but I did manage to save a text of all of songs and I have. My library is 99% music from the original CD’s I bought. I still have the first CD I bought in the 80’s, (Hall & Oates for some strange reason)

I purchase a new hard drive and an external drive for backing up. Everything is ready and I begin to pull the CD’s off the shelves and stack them up so I can reload the tracks I want save. To my horror nearly 100 CD’s are gone, missing, disappeared. My .txt file was dated in early 2001, so I have a clue about what happened to most of them.

I don’t loan CD’s, I don’t lose them, and I protect them, I catalog and keep them on shelves sorted by artist. Yeah I know a little weird but if I spend my hard earned cash on something I try to make it last. So as I go thru my list from 5 years ago I start to realize that some discs are not in the jewel case and some are missing completely.

I lived with my ex-girlfriend and her kids for a few years and my music was their music. Everything was available to everyone, just a library for everyone to use. Her kids didn’t listen to my music but it was all out there for ANYONE to look at, use, or take. The CD’S were kept on shelves in the den where her friends and family slept when they stayed overnight. I can’t prove a thing but the music was there when I moved in and it isn’t now. Her friends, family and who knows who was in the den to sleep over or visit, so its possible that 10-15 people could be to blame. Yes BLAME!!

I know she took the Beatles White Album, Eric Clapton’s 24 Nights and few others that she admitted to and it didn’t sit well with me and when I asked for them back, I received nothing. She now lives across the country so I can’t drive over and pick them up and I don’t owe her money, I didn’t cheat, she didn’t cheat, and we just broke up and moved on. I didn’t take any of her possessions and up until this weekend I thought it was a couple of CD’s, Jesus Mother F*&^ Christ was I wrong.

100 goddamn CD’s gone, like I said I have no proof but the signs point to an inside job. Yeah I am pissed but I can’t do a damn thing about it but vent, rant and rage. I know it was a few years ago but the CD’S have been sealed in locked trunks in a locked storage container and I have the only key and combination, NO ONE ELSE and no tampering excuses, all of the seals were still in place.

Some CD’s are just gone, some are missing the liner notes, some are missing just the CD’s:

Big Head Todd & the Monsters, (Strategem) gone
Eric Clapton, (24 Nights) gone
Eric Clapton, (Unplugged) gone
Beatles, (Anthology) gone
Beatles, (White Album) gone
Jimmy Buffet, (Greatest Hits) gone
Jackson Browne, (Greatest Hits) gone
Swingin’ Singles, (Cocktail Mix) gone
Schoolhouse rock, (Grammer Rock) gone
Led Zeppelin, (Houses of the Holy) gone

OK too many to list so I will just list a few artists:

Styx, Rolling Stones, Stray Cats, Dire Straits, ELO, U2, Oingo Boingo, Joe Walsh, No Doubt, Pearl Jam, (Pearl Jam, really hurts) Tom Petty, Johnny Mathis, Carol King, Green Day, The Clash, Brian Setzer, The Talking Heads, Bach, Mozart, Count Basie, Benny Goodwin, Harry Connick Jr., REM, Pink Floyd; just to name a few of the “MISSING”


I now have a printed list of the “MISSING MUSIC” pasted in my Moleskin so I can replace the “STOLEN” music with new purchases.

I really need to get over this and just replace what was taken from me and move on but somehow I know it was more than, “Oops, I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was in my CD case.”

I know that it is just music after all and it is replaceable, yet today I am so bent out of shape about all of this. No proof, just suspects and an expensive lesson in relationships.

Monday, May 22, 2006

What do you know

What do you know?

You think you know everything and then WHAM you get fucked again.  I got a call from the owner of my company at 9:01 am, “Two things for you to do! Call the managers and tell them there is a meeting today at 2:00 pm and you need to be here at 9:30 this morning.” I asked, “Do I need anything? No He replied, be here at 9:30 am.”

I arrived at 9:25 am and walked in to his office and was told I was laid off effective June 30th, 2006. The company was being sold and I was out. I was stunned but not surprised with the news.

Once again in my life someone fucks up and does not do their job and I lose my job. The last time was a union position almost 20 years ago with Northrop Aviation.
This time the owner pissed around, fooled around and failed to make decisions,
(He did not make the wrong decisions, JUST NO FREAKING DECISIONS) and now because of “CASH FLOW PROBLEMS) I lose my job.

Smarter people saw the handwriting on the wall years ago and left, but not me. I am blind as a bat, loyal to the end and I get nothing but 6 weeks notice and a handshake.

Thursday, February 02, 2006


I am amazed at the twists and turns that the journey of life takes us.If 25 years ago you showed me were I am now, I would never have believed it.20 years ago, (1986) I was married, successful and happy. My wife was a stunningly gorgeous woman that took my breath away. She was intellectually bright, book smart and had a photographic memory that was eerie. We could discuss politics, the economy and trivial moments in history. She worked out every day and she was the object of desire for many yet she chose me to share her life with me and we married. She had class and always dressed up to go out even to the supermarket. Her hair was never out of place, never out of style, never out of control and always perfect. I felt that I married a goddess, a women that all men desired.

Yet she always needed something more. She wasn’t happy or satisfied with us, with me, with herself; first it was a new car, then new furniture, new stuff, a new house, and then suddenly the need for a new “HER”. She desired a new body, (nose, cheeks, chin and breasts) and all I really wanted was the American dream; a big house; a great job; a wife and a family.

The house part was easy, and we both perused the great jobs but the family thing became an issue; a big issue. It seemed to me that she didn’t to want to get pregnant, (it would make her “fat and ugly”). She talked about waiting, until we were older, wiser and “better off”. Money seemed to be something she worried about and something I brought home.

Finally she became pregnant and after a few months she miscarried. It was just before Christmas. The aftermath of that terrible incident showed me the hatred two people could have for each other. We could not agree on anything and rarely spoke a few words to each other in a day.

I blamed her, “You never really wanted the baby. You lost the baby on purpose.” She blamed me, “I just did it for you, and I never wanted baby anyways.”

My god we would have been terrible parents to that child.

It was my fault; it was her fault, then the lawyers, the house, the money, my family, her family, then divorce, etc. Everything ended and the result was a broken marriage and damaged heart for me. I became bitter, angry and a terrible person to be around. Hell, I didn’t like me.

I then drifted in life; I had different jobs, different addresses, and mostly different desires. The winds of despair took me from heaven to hell, here and there and being miserable became an ok place for me. There were spiritual and physical highs but there were many lows that only a few have known. A completely altered person came out of that brutal period of my life. Women drifted in and out, friends came and went and life just happened.
Finally, God took pity on me and rescued me with one of his angels and I could not have imagined that today she is just a memory.

I was so madly in LOVE with a completely different woman than my first wife. She was so alive, she was bright, and she was younger than me yet wiser than her years. She liked to read and kept up with current events, she watched the news most nights and read the newspaper daily. She loved baseball and new what RBI, ERA and meant and could tell if a pitcher balked and knew what the Infield Fly Rule was. She drank beer and ate peanuts and enjoyed a Dodger Dog at the game. She could curl up on the couch with a blanket and drift off to sleep and the angelic look on her face should be on a painting in the Louvre. She was a mother of two young boys when we met and she lived for her boys, and my god I truly learned what a parent really was and discovered that I fell short in the “DAD” department. She was proud of her children and always wanted the best for them even if she suffered for their needs.

Her beauty was real and natural and she awoke from sleep each morning with an allure that is with me to this day. She made me want to be a better man; I wanted to be with her day and night and I wanted to stare into her eyes and to tell her that I loved her. When I was with her I felt better, hell not better I felt great and isn’t that what we all want; someone to make us feel better. I would dream of us growing old together and walking hand in hand with a love for each other that would never end. I reveled in her beauty, I mean some described her as cute but I always thought she was stunning. She had a personal style that few women could match and she always knew what was the appropriate attire, costume, hair, make-up, shoes, and accessories for the moment.
She was a flirt and everyone loved her and everyone wanted to be with her. I confessed to her many a time that it must be tough to wanted all the time.
She was a whirlwind of activity, work, kids friends activities, etc.

When asked by a cousin of mine at a family reunion once, “What does she do for you?” I replied with the convincing remark, “SHE MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON.” I felt “over chicked” and delighted in my fortune and the miracle of God that I actually was apart of. When she touched me I felt as if all of my anger, pain, frustration and poison left my body and disappeared. She was the angel that was sent here for me and I felt blessed. I was lucky and new it.

I was in LOVE and things were good, real good, we almost blended into one, and I almost felt that I was a part of her and that she almost became a part of me.

Feeling that God owed me, I took my gift for granted and became lazy in the relationship. I held back a small part of me and I never truly committed all of my self to her. I somehow feared a repeat of my first marriage and I continued to hold back a part of myself, until it was too late.

My decision to withhold that little bit of myself, caught up with me and when she decided to leave me I once again crashed into hell. When she was ready to marry, I couldn’t commit. When I was ready to commit, she was ready to move on in life. Oh my god, the tragedy of timing.

Hell isn’t what you read about in the bible, and it isn’t something you see in a Hollywood movie, it isn’t a real place at all; it exists only in your mind, in your head, night after night. Dreading sleep each night is a terrible way to go through life, I know because I feared the nightmares, the terrible ways you make your self suffer in a nightmare each and every night for a thousand nights takes away a bit of you. Waking up tired each and every morning from the long journeys I took each night took it’s toll on my body and my spirit and I tried to find ways to cheat the

For a while I went to bed early thinking I would cheat the demons in my head, in my soul and maybe get to sleep before the self-destruction occurred in my dreams. It never really worked; the spirits in my soul found my head each and every night to torment my loneliness. I then convinced my self that the demons found me each night because I went to bed early. I decided that I would not go to bed until real late, like 2 or 3 in the morning late. I believed that the evil spirits would never find me and I would be awake at 5:30 am before the nightly destruction of my soul began. What a great idea I had, what a disaster it turned out to be. I almost destroyed my body to stay up late each night and also I performed terribly at work and once again I became the angry man I was before.

Carrying around the bitterness in your life is tedious, time consuming and it kills your future most of all. The anger that you carry always makes you look behind to remind yourself why you are angry and as such never forward. I never wanted to see the possibilities of my life; I only wanted to remind myself and everyone else of my failed and destructive past.

It is very peculiar to realize that you are not alone in life but that you are so very lonely. I had people around me that cared and I met a few women that seemed interesting but I didn’t care about myself so relationships never really materialized or developed.

I once again blamed GOD and held him in contempt for my loneliness and my anger. It couldn’t be might fault, it must be Gods desire or maybe it was his lack of attention that made me suffer once again.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Super Bowl Sunday

This has been my holiday for years. I have missed only 1 Super Bowl on TV since 1977 and that was in 1998 when Denver beat Green Bay. At the last minute, I took over someone else's job and low and behold on Super Bowl Sunday a surprise visit from our corporate headquaters. Yep freakin Superbowl Sunday and I am at work answering bullshit questions to a corporate lacky that has no clue that it is my only day off that week and it is the SUPERBOWL.

That is until this year, I will be riding my new motorcycle on Superbowl Sunday out in the desert and I don't care who wins or loses. I will arrive home late, tired, dirty and sore. I will be exhausted but I will have had the time of my life!