I just can’t seem to get into the football season this year. I am, (was?) the biggest NFL fan ever. I set up my Saturdays so that I would not be bothered on Football Sundays. No shopping, no chores, no headaches, just Football. I would work my ass off on Saturdays just to sit and watch. Beer Food, snacks it was a weeklong process to plan my meals for Sunday. I would destroy my weekend to watch football and suffer through Monday.

Everything changes and so has my life. Most of what I thought was important clearly isn’t. Most of the people I know look at me with pity or with a sense of sorrow. I can tell their feelings and it does not bother me. Years ago it would have been a serious problem for me to accept other peoples negative perception of me. Now I don’t pay attention to others like I used to. Maybe I should but I don’t need their pity or sorrow, I just need me if I don’t fix it, feel it, need it, deal with it no one will. I would rather go outside and go for a run with the headphones on than watch TV. The library is more important than the liquor store. I keep throwing things away that I bought a long time ago and have never used. Clutter, trash, possessions, things are, (have been) a waste. Getting back to a basic few items and an extremely less complicated life is my goal.

I have no demands on my time, except for my job, and I need to find more things to do. I tried helping at the library reading to kids, but it took to long to try to explain what the words mean than what the author meant or what the story is about. Donating my time seems to come with lots of strings and questions about my full time job that I don’t want to deal with. Why is it so hard to help out?

It seems that to I still have a long way to go and certain selfishness seems to show up every now and then. When I give some of myself out to others it seems that I get hurt. Whether it is in personal relationships or when I donate my time it seems to come back and create more trouble than it is worth. I know that I can’t or won’t grow as person unless I give some of myself up to others. I know the “YOU CAN’T GET LOVE UNTIL YOU GIVE LOVE” Well giving love, time, self, help, “GIVING” is what it is going to take to get some back.