Thursday, February 02, 2006

LIFE

LIFE
I am amazed at the twists and turns that the journey of life takes us.If 25 years ago you showed me were I am now, I would never have believed it.20 years ago, (1986) I was married, successful and happy. My wife was a stunningly gorgeous woman that took my breath away. She was intellectually bright, book smart and had a photographic memory that was eerie. We could discuss politics, the economy and trivial moments in history. She worked out every day and she was the object of desire for many yet she chose me to share her life with me and we married. She had class and always dressed up to go out even to the supermarket. Her hair was never out of place, never out of style, never out of control and always perfect. I felt that I married a goddess, a women that all men desired.

Yet she always needed something more. She wasn’t happy or satisfied with us, with me, with herself; first it was a new car, then new furniture, new stuff, a new house, and then suddenly the need for a new “HER”. She desired a new body, (nose, cheeks, chin and breasts) and all I really wanted was the American dream; a big house; a great job; a wife and a family.

The house part was easy, and we both perused the great jobs but the family thing became an issue; a big issue. It seemed to me that she didn’t to want to get pregnant, (it would make her “fat and ugly”). She talked about waiting, until we were older, wiser and “better off”. Money seemed to be something she worried about and something I brought home.

Finally she became pregnant and after a few months she miscarried. It was just before Christmas. The aftermath of that terrible incident showed me the hatred two people could have for each other. We could not agree on anything and rarely spoke a few words to each other in a day.

I blamed her, “You never really wanted the baby. You lost the baby on purpose.” She blamed me, “I just did it for you, and I never wanted baby anyways.”

My god we would have been terrible parents to that child.

It was my fault; it was her fault, then the lawyers, the house, the money, my family, her family, then divorce, etc. Everything ended and the result was a broken marriage and damaged heart for me. I became bitter, angry and a terrible person to be around. Hell, I didn’t like me.

I then drifted in life; I had different jobs, different addresses, and mostly different desires. The winds of despair took me from heaven to hell, here and there and being miserable became an ok place for me. There were spiritual and physical highs but there were many lows that only a few have known. A completely altered person came out of that brutal period of my life. Women drifted in and out, friends came and went and life just happened.
Finally, God took pity on me and rescued me with one of his angels and I could not have imagined that today she is just a memory.

I was so madly in LOVE with a completely different woman than my first wife. She was so alive, she was bright, and she was younger than me yet wiser than her years. She liked to read and kept up with current events, she watched the news most nights and read the newspaper daily. She loved baseball and new what RBI, ERA and meant and could tell if a pitcher balked and knew what the Infield Fly Rule was. She drank beer and ate peanuts and enjoyed a Dodger Dog at the game. She could curl up on the couch with a blanket and drift off to sleep and the angelic look on her face should be on a painting in the Louvre. She was a mother of two young boys when we met and she lived for her boys, and my god I truly learned what a parent really was and discovered that I fell short in the “DAD” department. She was proud of her children and always wanted the best for them even if she suffered for their needs.

Her beauty was real and natural and she awoke from sleep each morning with an allure that is with me to this day. She made me want to be a better man; I wanted to be with her day and night and I wanted to stare into her eyes and to tell her that I loved her. When I was with her I felt better, hell not better I felt great and isn’t that what we all want; someone to make us feel better. I would dream of us growing old together and walking hand in hand with a love for each other that would never end. I reveled in her beauty, I mean some described her as cute but I always thought she was stunning. She had a personal style that few women could match and she always knew what was the appropriate attire, costume, hair, make-up, shoes, and accessories for the moment.
She was a flirt and everyone loved her and everyone wanted to be with her. I confessed to her many a time that it must be tough to wanted all the time.
She was a whirlwind of activity, work, kids friends activities, etc.

When asked by a cousin of mine at a family reunion once, “What does she do for you?” I replied with the convincing remark, “SHE MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON.” I felt “over chicked” and delighted in my fortune and the miracle of God that I actually was apart of. When she touched me I felt as if all of my anger, pain, frustration and poison left my body and disappeared. She was the angel that was sent here for me and I felt blessed. I was lucky and new it.

I was in LOVE and things were good, real good, we almost blended into one, and I almost felt that I was a part of her and that she almost became a part of me.

Feeling that God owed me, I took my gift for granted and became lazy in the relationship. I held back a small part of me and I never truly committed all of my self to her. I somehow feared a repeat of my first marriage and I continued to hold back a part of myself, until it was too late.

My decision to withhold that little bit of myself, caught up with me and when she decided to leave me I once again crashed into hell. When she was ready to marry, I couldn’t commit. When I was ready to commit, she was ready to move on in life. Oh my god, the tragedy of timing.


Hell isn’t what you read about in the bible, and it isn’t something you see in a Hollywood movie, it isn’t a real place at all; it exists only in your mind, in your head, night after night. Dreading sleep each night is a terrible way to go through life, I know because I feared the nightmares, the terrible ways you make your self suffer in a nightmare each and every night for a thousand nights takes away a bit of you. Waking up tired each and every morning from the long journeys I took each night took it’s toll on my body and my spirit and I tried to find ways to cheat the

For a while I went to bed early thinking I would cheat the demons in my head, in my soul and maybe get to sleep before the self-destruction occurred in my dreams. It never really worked; the spirits in my soul found my head each and every night to torment my loneliness. I then convinced my self that the demons found me each night because I went to bed early. I decided that I would not go to bed until real late, like 2 or 3 in the morning late. I believed that the evil spirits would never find me and I would be awake at 5:30 am before the nightly destruction of my soul began. What a great idea I had, what a disaster it turned out to be. I almost destroyed my body to stay up late each night and also I performed terribly at work and once again I became the angry man I was before.

Carrying around the bitterness in your life is tedious, time consuming and it kills your future most of all. The anger that you carry always makes you look behind to remind yourself why you are angry and as such never forward. I never wanted to see the possibilities of my life; I only wanted to remind myself and everyone else of my failed and destructive past.




It is very peculiar to realize that you are not alone in life but that you are so very lonely. I had people around me that cared and I met a few women that seemed interesting but I didn’t care about myself so relationships never really materialized or developed.

I once again blamed GOD and held him in contempt for my loneliness and my anger. It couldn’t be might fault, it must be Gods desire or maybe it was his lack of attention that made me suffer once again.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Super Bowl Sunday

This has been my holiday for years. I have missed only 1 Super Bowl on TV since 1977 and that was in 1998 when Denver beat Green Bay. At the last minute, I took over someone else's job and low and behold on Super Bowl Sunday a surprise visit from our corporate headquaters. Yep freakin Superbowl Sunday and I am at work answering bullshit questions to a corporate lacky that has no clue that it is my only day off that week and it is the SUPERBOWL.

That is until this year, I will be riding my new motorcycle on Superbowl Sunday out in the desert and I don't care who wins or loses. I will arrive home late, tired, dirty and sore. I will be exhausted but I will have had the time of my life!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Si Dieu nexistait pa

"Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer."

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.


-- Voltaire

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

my favorite web site

slashfood.com

This is my favorite web site right now. I check in a couple of times a day. Great food info and web sites.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Saint Genevieve

Oh Dear God,

Please help everyone in need, especially the animals, the pets and all of gods creatures.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Love lost

What do you do you do when you lost your soul mate?

How do you move on, where do you go next?

How do you convince yourself that the next person you meet is better than what you squandered away?

How does God help you go on with life or does God forsake you, claiming that he gave you what he could and you lost your future.

How do explain to your friends and family that you are in love with someone that does not love you?

How do you convince yourself that your heart belongs to someone that does not want your heart anymore, and there is nothing you can do about it?

When did she become “not important” to you and how could that have happened?

Friday, August 05, 2005

Hunter Kelly

Dear Hunter,

You are not my child and I yet I mourn your loss. I never met you and you lived so much longer than my child did. I pray for you and for your mom and dad. They loved you more than you will ever know. I wish I made a different decision so many years ago.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

about me

Hello and Welcome to the new edition of getting to know your friends.
Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be lame about this and spoil the fun! Just copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know.

INCLUDING the person that sent it to you.


1. What is your occupation/job? Human Resource Manager.
2. What color is your underwear? Dark Blue boxers.
3. What was the last thing you ate? English Muffin.
4. Do you wish on stars? Yes
5. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Green
6. How is the weather right now? Warm, and getting hotter.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My brother Tim.
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes, very much so, more than she knows.
9. Would you say no and send this back to him or her? I thought about it.
10. How old are you today? 44, I think.
11. Favorite drink? Used to be beer, any beer but now two fingers of Glenlivet Single Malt Scotch with no freaking water, and never any ice.

12. Favorite sport to watch? Football
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? No, I don’t really have much hair.
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? No.
15. Pets? I own no pets but my neighbor’s cat spends more time at my place than theirs.
16. Favorite month? January, because anything is possible.
17. Favorite food? Cereal
18. What was the last movie you watched? I swear to god I watched “Goonies” on TV last night.
19. Favorite day of the year? The day after my birthday.
20. What do you do to vent anger? Go for a walk after work.
21. What was your favorite toy as a child? Hot Wheels miniature cars.
22. Fall or Spring? Fall
23. Hugs or kisses? Definitely KISSES
24. Cherry or Blueberry? Cherry
25. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes
26. Who is most likely to respond? Pauline, my older sister.
27. Who is least likely to respond? Danielle, my younger sister.
28. Living arrangements? I live alone.
29. When was the last time you cried? A couple of years ago just before Christmas.
30. What is on the floor of your closet? 2 laundry baskets with dirty laundry.
31. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Jim
32. What did you do last night? I watched “Goonies” on TV.
34. What inspires you? I am inspired that anything is possible.
35. What are you afraid of? Snakes.
36. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Cheese.
37. Favorite car? Porsche
38. Favorite dog breed? English Fox Hound
39. Number of keys on your key ring? 11
40. How many years at your current job? 13
41. Favorite day of the week? Friday
42. How many states have you lived in? 2
43. How many countries? 1


--Pete

Monday, July 11, 2005

All-Star Game

On Tuesday July 12th, 2005 is the MLB All-Star game in Detroit. I wish I was there, but I am not. I will be watching the game on TV at home but living it vicariously through a good friend.
I really, really wish I was there; but oh well.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Today

Today is a great day, do you know why? Because anything is possible. Thats right anything can happen, anything! Be positive, be alive and most importantly live each day.

Monday, July 04, 2005

July 4th

Happy Fourth of July to everyone. Thank God, Jehovah, Yahweh or Buddha that we live in the greatest country in the world and probably in history. As long as all of us remember this our great country will keep existing. When we give up on us than we will go the way of the Greeks, Romans, Mayans, Egyptians, Aztecs, Sumerians, Babylonians, Mongols, etc. If we fail we will be a footnote in history and nothing more.

Vote, participate, volunteer, go to a school board meeting. Write your congressman, your senator or your govenor. Send the President an e-mail and tell him how you stand on any issue you want, but please participate. In the last presidential election less than 50 % of Americans actually voted. This is a sad statistic but a true one. Apathy will lead to our ruin and to our demise one day. Listen to everyone and make up your own damn mind. Don't be a conservative or liberal because your friends, parents, husband, wife is. Be what you are or who you are because you have LISTENED, you have READ, you have STUDIED the issues. Nothing is free, nothing.

Our freedom's and our very existence today is because someone in our past sacrificed so that we may be allowed to grocery shop, surf the web, go to a concert, paint our house any color we chose and drive our SUV's.

PARTICIPATE or we will cease to matter.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Live 8

Is it better than LIVE AID 20 years ago. I mean 20 years ago, I can't remember anything but QUEEN with Freddy Mercury from Live Aid and after watching the concert today on MTV I found out that Madonna sang at Live Aid. If you had asked me about Live Aid I would have said Freddy Mercury and Queen were at the top of their game that day, (Thanks Green Day). 1985 was a lifetime ago, but is Madonna as relevant in music today as she was in 1985, I mean who really wants to watch her today.

Watching Coldplay play the backup band with Richard Ashcroft from the Verve singing "BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY" is more than I ever expected from this concert and will probably be my memory, could I be so lucky to see them perform that song in October? As hurtful as it sounds Paul McCartney should retire, please leave before your voice gets real bad.

Likin Park with Jay-Z was pretty fucking good, no was pretty fucking AWESOME,but MTV you owe everyone an apology, way too many commercials, way too many promos, How much did money did CBS/MTV/Viacom make today? If I want my music censored I will fucking buy it from Walmart, quit censoring what I hear, GOT IT!


Pink Floyd was pretty good. After not playing together for 24 years, they sounded like they played together last night somewhere. Dave Gilmour and Roger Waters on the stage together I never thought it would happen, who knows maybe a tour will be coming next?

Way too many commercials, way, way, way too many, MTV what a disaster. I will bet that in the 9-5 telecast the commercials and the insipid and inane MTV "VJ's" were on screen more than all of the the music shown. I saw the ABC re-cap Saturday night and saw acts and songs not shown on the MTV show. Hey MTV why couldn't you show sets on MTV and a different set on VH1, give people a choice right, no.

The deal should have been for no commercials just music with MTV getting the rights to a couple of replays where they could have added commercials and the rights to show the videos x number of times in the next 6 months.

All of the acts except Paul McCartney and Pink Floyd had 3 songs and only 3 songs, really.

I am glad I have a DVR and could record the whole thing and skip the BS, (sorry Bob Geldoff) I am not sure it was "the greatest concert ever"( Bob Geldof) or "the day music changed" (Bono)

If it isn't about my money and the artists all peformed for free, lets see how much the DVD will sell for?

Friday, June 24, 2005

Why?

Why is it that I can't change and be like everyone around me?

Why do I return phone calls yet close friends don't return mine?

Why am I always taken advantage of by women that I meet?

Why do I seem to seek more in life?

Why do I believe what am I told by almost everyone that I know?

Why am I disappointed when things I want don't come to fruition?

Why do I seem to care about things that no one else cares about?

Why is it that my bosses can't freakin show up for work until 2 or 3 hours after I do and then lie about where they have been?

Why do I have to put up with everybody's shit? Am I really that good a listener or just gullible?

Why does it seem that what is obvious to me; no one that I work with can grasp?

Why can't something just be what it is, why does everything have to have an answer, a solution or an ending?

Why do I feel that I am in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong set of skills for where I am?

Why do the people I work with seem so bland, so disappointing, so unbelievably stupid?

Why does it feel sometimes that I am a snob?

WHY?

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Tsunami

If we get past the fact that the the tsunami warning last night here in Ventura County and all along the West Coast was almost surreal in the reporting of it, Michael Jackson was still the topic on the major news channels, ( FOX, CNN, MSNBC etc) while the Tsunami warning was blaring on the local channels.

Only in LA does this happen; Tsunami warning everyone up north is RUNNING away from the beach but in LA crowds gathered at the beaches to watch the Tsunami come in. Lets not forget that 6 months ago a Tsunami destroyed SE Asia. The knuckleheads crowded at the locals beaches to wait for the waves.

I can just imagine that the Hollywood "A-listers" throwing a televised fundraiser for the idiots that ran down the beach to witness the wave.

ONLY IN LA.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Isn't it true

Tonight I heard the following and I believe it to be true

Remember,


Two out hits will get you into heaven.


I hope so!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

What is up with love?

My god the how twisted we get about love and the lack there of. I know Pat Benatar said that "Love is a Battlefield" but what are you gonna do?

When cupids arrow hits it hurts so good but not as much as when the arrow finally gets removed, right! Falling in and out of love over and over probably isn't a good thing but I will go with the feelings I have while I have them. The look, the smile, just the sound of the voice can drive us wild.

When things go bad at the end when that arrow gets yanked out of your heart, that is more painful than any thing I have ever experienced. The loss of love is a killer , a life changing event for some and for others it just isn't that painfully. I don't understand why some can move on so easy and others are crippled when a relationship is over.

Good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. Life isn't fair and love hurts. Good love hurts and bad love hurts, but it is so much worth it.

Monday, May 02, 2005

She couldn't say no

Ok this chick from Georgia that ran away before her wedding has got me confused. First of all whats up with all of the pictures of her, BIG EYES is she high or what and the groom to be doesn't look like much of a catch biut I digress.

How come this stressed out lady could not have picked up up the telephone and,

"Hey, hubby to be, Fuck Off I'm not getting married on Saturday, See Ya."

She could have saved everyone a lot of trouble and time. She would not be the new media darling and just think of the idiots in Hollywood that are headed out to Georgia right now to sign her up for a movie deal.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Whoooo Hooo

I came home today from work and thank the gods I have phone service and cable.

Be Careful

If your name is Jennifer beware, Ben Affleck is getting engaged to Jennifer 2. Watch out Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Anniston, you could be next

Monday, April 18, 2005

My Weekend

Lets see what happened to me this past weekend. On Friday night while a crew was digging a hole to plant a tree at my place the crew drilled through a conduit that contained the telephone wires to apartment. So as of Friday night no phone, no internet. On Sunday while trying to fix the phone they broke the cable box.

Now I have no phone and no cable, I am at work at 5:45 pm adding to my blog and checking my emails. What a life I am having. Everything back working on Thursday or Friday.

No Pope yet just black smoke. Come on Butchie we are pulling for you.


Pete