This is my way to talk to my best friend. I can’t talk to anyone else so here I will be heard. No one wants to hear what I have to say, so I will say it just in a different manner. The keyboard is my friend and I write to my friend.

I know life should be hard. Life should be tough, goals should be difficult maybe even unreachable. Hell, I don’t know but the struggle seems to take away from the joy of the journey.

I stop myself from enjoying life. I am the eternal glass half-empty instead of the glass half –full. Lately, God seems to have handed me the empty glass. If it were not for bad luck or no luck, I would have no luck!

What do I want from life? You keep asking me that question and I just don’t know anymore. What I wanted always seems to be the roller coaster ride of life. Things go up and things go down. Relationships happen, go well, go bad, they end.

What do I want from life?

I just want to be wanted, just wanted by someone that wants me. I want the impossible, I want some one to love me and to tell me when they want something and work with me, work on us.


Great relationships last years, last generations, they last lifetimes. It seems that at different times in a relationship, one person carries the other. Things happen, people go up, people go down.

One person has a bad day, the other picks them up, maybe it’s a bad week, bad month, hell maybe a bad few months your partner picks you up.

Selfishness seems to have gotten in the way of forgiveness.

Sometimes I want to be told what to do. I don’t want to be dominated or bullied, sometimes it is just easier to be told; “We’re going here” and we are going to do “this” or “that”. I like talking about us, I like pretending, and I like to dream. I hate the feeling saying something; anything will get me in trouble.

Twice in my life I felt afraid to say what I wanted and it led to devastation and the end of both relationships. I cannot believe that I became afraid to state what I wanted to say and was afraid that if I spoke out my relationship would end or be worse.

I was right in both instances and wrong as well. I was told I was aloof and moody. I was told I was grouchy, rotten and mean.

I guess I met and loved the wrong women at the wrong time. I felt each time was the right time, but they did not feel the same way.

My first love was a woman that loved herself more than she loved me. We were married, but she liked the finer things, the money, the cars, the stuff, etc. She wanted more than I did and she was ashamed of her own family and she seemed to be embarrassed of me and us. The family we almost had disappeared on one Christmas Eve and then so did we.



The second women I wanted to be with for rest of my life loved her kids from her first marriage more than she loved me or us. We always seemed to disagree on us, (the us of her and I) versus us, (Her kids, herself and I). When I asked her to marry me not once but twice, both times she said, “NOT YET”

Both relationships lasted more than ten years but ended in a second. Both came as shock, but looking back now


“HOW FREAKING BLIND WAS I”