One of my favorite movies of all time is Casablanca. Humphrey Bogart as Rick is such a great movie character. He is portrayal of the “I don’t care about any body but me” nightclub/bar owner is real and easily believable. I am not usually a huge fan of old movies but this movie hits home and it is relevant to any time. This movie is dead on about certain aspects of a weird 3-person relationship.

Today is election day. Everyone should get out an vote. If you don't vote you can not complain.

I voted for George W. Bush and I voted for stem cell research to go ahead. Go Vote Go Vote Go Vote!!!!

Halloween,

All you knuckleheads that showed up for candy with out a costume last night shame on you!!!!

What is like to be a Red Sox fan now that they have won the World Series?

Well it is like losing your virginity. Yup that’s right your virginity.

Remember back when,

You heard about it way before it happened and what everyone else said about how great it would be isn’t even close to how great it is.

You dreamt about it happening a different way each time.

It came close to happening a few times and failure always seemed to be the result.

You never thought it would happen to you just to everyone else.

The expectation seemed to be a curse.

You didn’t believe it was happening even while it was going on.

When it finally happened you were so stunned you could barely talk couldn’t even move.

When it was finally over yelling and screaming just didn’t seem to be enough celebration.

The next day all you thought about is when will it happen again?

I am still amazed at the way we treat women were I work. The three “men” in charge have no clue that the women in our company want more in their life than working here. It seems to me that we go out of our way to piss off the female middle management with “Set Rules” and “Mandatory Schedules” and absolutely arcane statements. We have regularly lost great managers because we say and do stupid things.

This job is a tough job and isn’t for the weak. Long hours, tough scheduling and not much room for advancement, telephone calls at all hours of the day, meetings scheduled on your day off and make it difficult for everyone males and females. If you’re a women with a family or trying to start a family it is a brutal job.

A Supervisor’s in the course of a week told a young female manager in our company that having more children now was wrong and she should wait until she was older. She already has a daughter and her and her husband want more children but when she accidentally slipped that she wanted more kids. This Supervisor made her feel terrible and pushed her over the edge, she turned in her notice today.

A week before this very same female manager was traveling to a seminar with a different Supervisor and a few other mangers. Some how the conversation turned to unwed teen-age mothers. This second Supervisors and one of her peers began to belittle these teenage mothers and they both made statements to the effect that un-wed teenage mothers come from broken homes and are not loved. Their parents were bad parents and didn’t love their kids.

The Supervisor and the other manager both knew that this young female manager sitting in the same car with them was 16 when she gave birth to her daughter. She was not married when she gave birth and was living at home with both of her parents. They continued on repeatedly making the same and similar generalizations about young teenage mothers.

This is not the first time this has occurred in our company. We have little tolerance for mothers that have families. These very same Supervisors arrive at work late 9:00 am or later and rarely work past 4:00 pm. They arrive late from lunch because they have to pick-up their own children from day care, pre-school, etc and leave early Mon-Fri to pick –up kids from school. Bothering the Supervisors on a weekend is a “crime” and according to the Supervisors always is because one of the managers screwed up.

We had an earthquake this morning. A 6.0 on the scale. My office shook a little and dust came down from the ceiling no damage just dust. The earthquake was centered up in San Luis Obispo, about 2 hours north of here. It always seems that going through an earthquake is exciting and you suddenly realize that this could be the big one and that's when you get real nervous.

My brother turns 42 today. There was a time in my life I never thought he would live this long. His 20's were a period of excess. Alcohol and drugs led him astray and down a path that I truly thought he would never return.

He is clean, sober and most importantly he is my brother and I love him.

A day in the life! 

I just can’t seem to get into the football season this year. I am, (was?) the biggest NFL fan ever. I set up my Saturdays so that I would not be bothered on Football Sundays. No shopping, no chores, no headaches, just Football. I would work my ass off on Saturdays just to sit and watch. Beer Food, snacks it was a weeklong process to plan my meals for Sunday. I would destroy my weekend to watch football and suffer through Monday.

Everything changes and so has my life. Most of what I thought was important clearly isn’t. Most of the people I know look at me with pity or with a sense of sorrow. I can tell their feelings and it does not bother me. Years ago it would have been a serious problem for me to accept other peoples negative perception of me. Now I don’t pay attention to others like I used to. Maybe I should but I don’t need their pity or sorrow, I just need me if I don’t fix it, feel it, need it, deal with it no one will. I would rather go outside and go for a run with the headphones on than watch TV. The library is more important than the liquor store. I keep throwing things away that I bought a long time ago and have never used. Clutter, trash, possessions, things are, (have been) a waste. Getting back to a basic few items and an extremely less complicated life is my goal.

I have no demands on my time, except for my job, and I need to find more things to do. I tried helping at the library reading to kids, but it took to long to try to explain what the words mean than what the author meant or what the story is about. Donating my time seems to come with lots of strings and questions about my full time job that I don’t want to deal with. Why is it so hard to help out?

It seems that to I still have a long way to go and certain selfishness seems to show up every now and then. When I give some of myself out to others it seems that I get hurt. Whether it is in personal relationships or when I donate my time it seems to come back and create more trouble than it is worth. I know that I can’t or won’t grow as person unless I give some of myself up to others. I know the “YOU CAN’T GET LOVE UNTIL YOU GIVE LOVE” Well giving love, time, self, help, “GIVING” is what it is going to take to get some back.

I bought a new car yesterday. I have had my pick-up for 7 years and 116, 000 miles and it was time to retire the green Hornet pick-up truck. It served me well and I used it and abused it The old truck needed a new transmission ($1800.00) and a new radiator ($700.00), well I knew it was time for a trade-in.

I don't subscribe to the adage , "You are what you drive." I know it's California but what's the point of paying $30, 000.00 for a big truck or a SUV. I have no kids, no wife, it's just me and I drive 4 miles to work and 4 miles home each day.

When I arrived at the dealership, I test drove a big Chevy 2500 HD pick-up a massive beast and a great truck. During the test drive I got a phone call from a friend once again asking me if I could drive over with my (old) truck and haul some stuff for them. They didn't know that I was test driving a new truck but somehow I knew that I needed to buy a small car. I turned around headed for the dealership, parked the truck got out and walked over to the littlest car i could find.

I purchased a brand new 4 cylinder Chevy Cavalier. It gets 35 miles to the gallonand doesn't need a transmission.

You better have what you need from yourself BEFORE you look for it from someone else.

Bad day, a real bad day. It started at 6:45 am and strangely enough it ended at 6:45 pm.



M failed to install ISP correctly at the new store. I worked freaking 11 hours today most of the time on payroll. J worked 80.00 regular hours and 37.00 OT hrs in the pay period. M was up set that I questioned her about the fact that her payroll wasn’t done, accurate, ready or completed. She melted down and blamed her payroll problem on J and me for some strange reason. How J is involved I don’t know.

As I mentioned the other day I am now the marketing director, manager, supervisor, lackey.

B. asked me about you this afternoon. He wanted to know if you were OK and if I had talked to you or heard from you. I told him that you were doing great and that you were back where you wanted to be and that most importantly; you were, (I can’t believe I will state this) where you belonged. I told him you were dating someone in your home town and that you were real happy.


I told him that you were happy and that everything was good between us. He asked if I was going to leave here and move to your town to be with you, I said "No" and I asked why would he ask that question. He said that he heard a rumor that I was unhappy here in California without you and I was thinking about leaving California. He stated that he assumed that meant I was leaving to be with you.

I explained that his sources were good but not accurate. Yes, You could say, I am miserable and you could also say that I was, I am, I might be maybe thinking about leaving California. But not for Michigan, (your feelings about me are clear), but maybe some place south of you. Some place new.

I have interviewed for a few companies that are far away from here, far, far away from the memories and the past. I know it is a long time ago for you, but you know for me, some days, some places, are still real hard to deal with. I really do feel strongly about going away and putting the past behind me. I can’t imagine being here very much longer, I seem to be the outcast, the person everyone wants to pity.

Here are the friendship conversations you wanted,

I know that we feel different about each other and it is OK.

Look no disrespect or malice intended, REALLY. Friend to friend.

“Cross my heart, and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye”
Not in bad way but How did you move on?
I’m sure that you stopped loving me long before you told me you were leaving.
I imagine you waiting for the moment to tell me you were leaving and somehow for months you were afraid of telling me.
How did you hold all of this inside you?
Were you that afraid of me?
Did you really feel that I didn’t love you?
Did you really think it didn’t matter to me that you left?
Was I that mean to R and you?

I look back now and I realize that you were unhappy for a long time and, Look, no offense, but I believe love, true love doesn’t reside in a zip code.

Sometimes late at night I really, really hate you and sometimes I really, really thank -you.

I became more than “me” when I was with you. I was “OVER CHICKED” with you. I don’t know the answers you ever gave to your friends and family when they asked you,

“WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?”

When anyone, everyone asked me that question, I always said the same thing,
“BECAUSE, I’ M A BETTER PERSON WHEN I AM WITH HER!!!”

You made your decision and you got what you wanted, you said “damn everybody else”, go for it. You made a decision that your family was more important than we were. It’s OK because, you became the mother you were destined to be, the person you always wanted to be.

God has decided that we were only supposed to be together for a short period of time, yeah ten years is a short time. I really did give everything I had and it was not enough. I never wanted to be a dad but you changed my mind and I will always look at R and R as “my children” and even though you and they won’t admit it and no one else will admit it, “I AM PROUD OF THEM” and “I DID THE BEST I COULD!! “

Unfortunately, I lost out, well maybe I didn’t lose. I learned a lot from you, but my god, for a while there we were good together, really good together.

Look, please respond to me, you cast al large shadow and most importantly, tell me how you feel, tell me what is inside of you. Tell me what you want. I have nothing to loose, your gone.

Will your silence; can your silence hurt me any more?
It has taken a long time for me to get some of this out and I am probably a year or two too late.

Sometimes I am mean and nasty, sometimes I am rotten and inconsiderate, but I will always be your fiend.

Love forever

I am laying my heart out here and you know it. I know you are happy where you are and you know I am miserable. I wish I was there and yet all I know is that, what your happy?, your miserable? You never really tell me. It seems your holding something back while I just long to be near someone, I need to be wanted.

I can't believe I ever chose work over you. In the all time worst trades in history in the history of trades I fucked up. I look back at a decade of bad decision's and stupid ego and regret, (yeah regret a fucking big word for me), a lot.

How is possible something that was soright has gone so bad so fast.

My hurt is real and deep and I would give it all away for a real minute with you, just to look in your eyes and to hold you again. I know it will never happen but thought keeps me alive most nights.

I am looking for support for someone to pump me up to lift my spirits all the things you used to do.

Once again I got screwed. I work in a small office that is technically a satellite office across town from our main office. Today is Monday the 5th of July and our main office is closed but no one told my assistant or me. We both showed up for work before 8:00am this morning, 7:45am for me 7:55 am for her. No message on the answering machine, no message on the voice-mail. I send my assistant to 3 different restaurants to complete some employee opinion surveys. When I talk to one of our restaurant managers he says to me, “Why are you working today the office is closed.” I said, “ If the office was closed I would know about it” He looks at me with a shit eating grin and says, “The office is closed, they didn’t tell you”

I place a call to the main office and sure enough the answering machine is on. I call the owner and as usual no answer. I page him and I then call my assistant and apologize for the mistake and I send her home with pay for the rest of the day with the promise that she can leave 2 hours early on Friday with pay.

The owner finally calls and says, “No one told you?” “Nope” I say I explained that I worked on Saturday and Sunday and talked to the Supervisors on Saturday and no one told me we were to be off today. He doesn’t say sorry just “ok” and hangs up.

It would not be so bad but for 12 years this has been shits been going on, the money is good but the treatment is intolerable. Maybe it is time to move on.

I heard you were coming to town this weekend and my heart is alive. I know you are not coming to see me but some how deep down I am excited.

Is it possible I will see you and you will want to see me?

I can’t stop thinking about the possibilities that exist!

Will we be together or will we be apart?

Will you want to see me?

Do you still want me or am I just a FRIEND?

I will admit to exhilaration that I haven’t had in a long time.

I am afraid to call you, but I have too. The possibilities are too important. I cannot stand the “not knowing” How will you look, how will I look, what will you say to me, what will I say to you?

Will you hug me, will you kiss me? Will you spend time with me or as I suspect lots of time with others and a little time with me.

The pain is temporary. The memories last forever. Just keep going. Just keep going.

Here is great joke attributed to Ronald Reagan.


Two Irish ladies were at the wake for their dear friend, Mollie. “Poor Mollie,” said the first woman, looking down at the body, “She had such a hard life. First she married Mike, who gave her five crying children in six years. He beat her and never worked a day in his life. Then Mike up and died, and she married Johnny, who was worse, giving her seven more children and not a penny of support. He was drunk all the time until he died, too. Now Mollie is gone, worked to death taking care of those 12 kids.”

“Well, at least they are together at last,” replied the second women.

“You mean in heaven?” asked the first woman. “Is poor Mollie with Mike or Johnny?”

The second woman stated, “ I was referring to her legs!”

Thank You for everything Ronald Reagan may God Bless You and your family.

I graduated from High School in June of 1979 and voted for Ronald Reagan in his second election. When he was wrong he owned up and admitted it, when he was right he gave credit to others. He cast such a large shadow that I really don’t think George Bush the first didn’t, couldn’t survive the shadow. It seems that George Bush the second will have a better a chance to a second term than his father did.

I got this from a female friend and it seems to fit.


The guy's "Rule"

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally: the guy's side of. The story. I must admit it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. This is our rule! Please note... These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. .

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know the best way to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.




1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothings wrong. We know are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you do not want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

This is my way to talk to my best friend. I can’t talk to anyone else so here I will be heard. No one wants to hear what I have to say, so I will say it just in a different manner. The keyboard is my friend and I write to my friend.

I know life should be hard. Life should be tough, goals should be difficult maybe even unreachable. Hell, I don’t know but the struggle seems to take away from the joy of the journey.

I stop myself from enjoying life. I am the eternal glass half-empty instead of the glass half –full. Lately, God seems to have handed me the empty glass. If it were not for bad luck or no luck, I would have no luck!

What do I want from life? You keep asking me that question and I just don’t know anymore. What I wanted always seems to be the roller coaster ride of life. Things go up and things go down. Relationships happen, go well, go bad, they end.

What do I want from life?

I just want to be wanted, just wanted by someone that wants me. I want the impossible, I want some one to love me and to tell me when they want something and work with me, work on us.


Great relationships last years, last generations, they last lifetimes. It seems that at different times in a relationship, one person carries the other. Things happen, people go up, people go down.

One person has a bad day, the other picks them up, maybe it’s a bad week, bad month, hell maybe a bad few months your partner picks you up.

Selfishness seems to have gotten in the way of forgiveness.

Sometimes I want to be told what to do. I don’t want to be dominated or bullied, sometimes it is just easier to be told; “We’re going here” and we are going to do “this” or “that”. I like talking about us, I like pretending, and I like to dream. I hate the feeling saying something; anything will get me in trouble.

Twice in my life I felt afraid to say what I wanted and it led to devastation and the end of both relationships. I cannot believe that I became afraid to state what I wanted to say and was afraid that if I spoke out my relationship would end or be worse.

I was right in both instances and wrong as well. I was told I was aloof and moody. I was told I was grouchy, rotten and mean.

I guess I met and loved the wrong women at the wrong time. I felt each time was the right time, but they did not feel the same way.

My first love was a woman that loved herself more than she loved me. We were married, but she liked the finer things, the money, the cars, the stuff, etc. She wanted more than I did and she was ashamed of her own family and she seemed to be embarrassed of me and us. The family we almost had disappeared on one Christmas Eve and then so did we.



The second women I wanted to be with for rest of my life loved her kids from her first marriage more than she loved me or us. We always seemed to disagree on us, (the us of her and I) versus us, (Her kids, herself and I). When I asked her to marry me not once but twice, both times she said, “NOT YET”

Both relationships lasted more than ten years but ended in a second. Both came as shock, but looking back now


“HOW FREAKING BLIND WAS I”