We had an earthquake this morning. A 6.0 on the scale. My office shook a little and dust came down from the ceiling no damage just dust. The earthquake was centered up in San Luis Obispo, about 2 hours north of here. It always seems that going through an earthquake is exciting and you suddenly realize that this could be the big one and that's when you get real nervous.

My brother turns 42 today. There was a time in my life I never thought he would live this long. His 20's were a period of excess. Alcohol and drugs led him astray and down a path that I truly thought he would never return.

He is clean, sober and most importantly he is my brother and I love him.

A day in the life! 

I just can’t seem to get into the football season this year. I am, (was?) the biggest NFL fan ever. I set up my Saturdays so that I would not be bothered on Football Sundays. No shopping, no chores, no headaches, just Football. I would work my ass off on Saturdays just to sit and watch. Beer Food, snacks it was a weeklong process to plan my meals for Sunday. I would destroy my weekend to watch football and suffer through Monday.

Everything changes and so has my life. Most of what I thought was important clearly isn’t. Most of the people I know look at me with pity or with a sense of sorrow. I can tell their feelings and it does not bother me. Years ago it would have been a serious problem for me to accept other peoples negative perception of me. Now I don’t pay attention to others like I used to. Maybe I should but I don’t need their pity or sorrow, I just need me if I don’t fix it, feel it, need it, deal with it no one will. I would rather go outside and go for a run with the headphones on than watch TV. The library is more important than the liquor store. I keep throwing things away that I bought a long time ago and have never used. Clutter, trash, possessions, things are, (have been) a waste. Getting back to a basic few items and an extremely less complicated life is my goal.

I have no demands on my time, except for my job, and I need to find more things to do. I tried helping at the library reading to kids, but it took to long to try to explain what the words mean than what the author meant or what the story is about. Donating my time seems to come with lots of strings and questions about my full time job that I don’t want to deal with. Why is it so hard to help out?

It seems that to I still have a long way to go and certain selfishness seems to show up every now and then. When I give some of myself out to others it seems that I get hurt. Whether it is in personal relationships or when I donate my time it seems to come back and create more trouble than it is worth. I know that I can’t or won’t grow as person unless I give some of myself up to others. I know the “YOU CAN’T GET LOVE UNTIL YOU GIVE LOVE” Well giving love, time, self, help, “GIVING” is what it is going to take to get some back.

I bought a new car yesterday. I have had my pick-up for 7 years and 116, 000 miles and it was time to retire the green Hornet pick-up truck. It served me well and I used it and abused it The old truck needed a new transmission ($1800.00) and a new radiator ($700.00), well I knew it was time for a trade-in.

I don't subscribe to the adage , "You are what you drive." I know it's California but what's the point of paying $30, 000.00 for a big truck or a SUV. I have no kids, no wife, it's just me and I drive 4 miles to work and 4 miles home each day.

When I arrived at the dealership, I test drove a big Chevy 2500 HD pick-up a massive beast and a great truck. During the test drive I got a phone call from a friend once again asking me if I could drive over with my (old) truck and haul some stuff for them. They didn't know that I was test driving a new truck but somehow I knew that I needed to buy a small car. I turned around headed for the dealership, parked the truck got out and walked over to the littlest car i could find.

I purchased a brand new 4 cylinder Chevy Cavalier. It gets 35 miles to the gallonand doesn't need a transmission.

You better have what you need from yourself BEFORE you look for it from someone else.

Bad day, a real bad day. It started at 6:45 am and strangely enough it ended at 6:45 pm.



M failed to install ISP correctly at the new store. I worked freaking 11 hours today most of the time on payroll. J worked 80.00 regular hours and 37.00 OT hrs in the pay period. M was up set that I questioned her about the fact that her payroll wasn’t done, accurate, ready or completed. She melted down and blamed her payroll problem on J and me for some strange reason. How J is involved I don’t know.

As I mentioned the other day I am now the marketing director, manager, supervisor, lackey.

B. asked me about you this afternoon. He wanted to know if you were OK and if I had talked to you or heard from you. I told him that you were doing great and that you were back where you wanted to be and that most importantly; you were, (I can’t believe I will state this) where you belonged. I told him you were dating someone in your home town and that you were real happy.


I told him that you were happy and that everything was good between us. He asked if I was going to leave here and move to your town to be with you, I said "No" and I asked why would he ask that question. He said that he heard a rumor that I was unhappy here in California without you and I was thinking about leaving California. He stated that he assumed that meant I was leaving to be with you.

I explained that his sources were good but not accurate. Yes, You could say, I am miserable and you could also say that I was, I am, I might be maybe thinking about leaving California. But not for Michigan, (your feelings about me are clear), but maybe some place south of you. Some place new.

I have interviewed for a few companies that are far away from here, far, far away from the memories and the past. I know it is a long time ago for you, but you know for me, some days, some places, are still real hard to deal with. I really do feel strongly about going away and putting the past behind me. I can’t imagine being here very much longer, I seem to be the outcast, the person everyone wants to pity.

Here are the friendship conversations you wanted,

I know that we feel different about each other and it is OK.

Look no disrespect or malice intended, REALLY. Friend to friend.

“Cross my heart, and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye”
Not in bad way but How did you move on?
I’m sure that you stopped loving me long before you told me you were leaving.
I imagine you waiting for the moment to tell me you were leaving and somehow for months you were afraid of telling me.
How did you hold all of this inside you?
Were you that afraid of me?
Did you really feel that I didn’t love you?
Did you really think it didn’t matter to me that you left?
Was I that mean to R and you?

I look back now and I realize that you were unhappy for a long time and, Look, no offense, but I believe love, true love doesn’t reside in a zip code.

Sometimes late at night I really, really hate you and sometimes I really, really thank -you.

I became more than “me” when I was with you. I was “OVER CHICKED” with you. I don’t know the answers you ever gave to your friends and family when they asked you,

“WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?”

When anyone, everyone asked me that question, I always said the same thing,
“BECAUSE, I’ M A BETTER PERSON WHEN I AM WITH HER!!!”

You made your decision and you got what you wanted, you said “damn everybody else”, go for it. You made a decision that your family was more important than we were. It’s OK because, you became the mother you were destined to be, the person you always wanted to be.

God has decided that we were only supposed to be together for a short period of time, yeah ten years is a short time. I really did give everything I had and it was not enough. I never wanted to be a dad but you changed my mind and I will always look at R and R as “my children” and even though you and they won’t admit it and no one else will admit it, “I AM PROUD OF THEM” and “I DID THE BEST I COULD!! “

Unfortunately, I lost out, well maybe I didn’t lose. I learned a lot from you, but my god, for a while there we were good together, really good together.

Look, please respond to me, you cast al large shadow and most importantly, tell me how you feel, tell me what is inside of you. Tell me what you want. I have nothing to loose, your gone.

Will your silence; can your silence hurt me any more?
It has taken a long time for me to get some of this out and I am probably a year or two too late.

Sometimes I am mean and nasty, sometimes I am rotten and inconsiderate, but I will always be your fiend.

Love forever

I am laying my heart out here and you know it. I know you are happy where you are and you know I am miserable. I wish I was there and yet all I know is that, what your happy?, your miserable? You never really tell me. It seems your holding something back while I just long to be near someone, I need to be wanted.

I can't believe I ever chose work over you. In the all time worst trades in history in the history of trades I fucked up. I look back at a decade of bad decision's and stupid ego and regret, (yeah regret a fucking big word for me), a lot.

How is possible something that was soright has gone so bad so fast.

My hurt is real and deep and I would give it all away for a real minute with you, just to look in your eyes and to hold you again. I know it will never happen but thought keeps me alive most nights.

I am looking for support for someone to pump me up to lift my spirits all the things you used to do.

Once again I got screwed. I work in a small office that is technically a satellite office across town from our main office. Today is Monday the 5th of July and our main office is closed but no one told my assistant or me. We both showed up for work before 8:00am this morning, 7:45am for me 7:55 am for her. No message on the answering machine, no message on the voice-mail. I send my assistant to 3 different restaurants to complete some employee opinion surveys. When I talk to one of our restaurant managers he says to me, “Why are you working today the office is closed.” I said, “ If the office was closed I would know about it” He looks at me with a shit eating grin and says, “The office is closed, they didn’t tell you”

I place a call to the main office and sure enough the answering machine is on. I call the owner and as usual no answer. I page him and I then call my assistant and apologize for the mistake and I send her home with pay for the rest of the day with the promise that she can leave 2 hours early on Friday with pay.

The owner finally calls and says, “No one told you?” “Nope” I say I explained that I worked on Saturday and Sunday and talked to the Supervisors on Saturday and no one told me we were to be off today. He doesn’t say sorry just “ok” and hangs up.

It would not be so bad but for 12 years this has been shits been going on, the money is good but the treatment is intolerable. Maybe it is time to move on.

I heard you were coming to town this weekend and my heart is alive. I know you are not coming to see me but some how deep down I am excited.

Is it possible I will see you and you will want to see me?

I can’t stop thinking about the possibilities that exist!

Will we be together or will we be apart?

Will you want to see me?

Do you still want me or am I just a FRIEND?

I will admit to exhilaration that I haven’t had in a long time.

I am afraid to call you, but I have too. The possibilities are too important. I cannot stand the “not knowing” How will you look, how will I look, what will you say to me, what will I say to you?

Will you hug me, will you kiss me? Will you spend time with me or as I suspect lots of time with others and a little time with me.

The pain is temporary. The memories last forever. Just keep going. Just keep going.

Here is great joke attributed to Ronald Reagan.


Two Irish ladies were at the wake for their dear friend, Mollie. “Poor Mollie,” said the first woman, looking down at the body, “She had such a hard life. First she married Mike, who gave her five crying children in six years. He beat her and never worked a day in his life. Then Mike up and died, and she married Johnny, who was worse, giving her seven more children and not a penny of support. He was drunk all the time until he died, too. Now Mollie is gone, worked to death taking care of those 12 kids.”

“Well, at least they are together at last,” replied the second women.

“You mean in heaven?” asked the first woman. “Is poor Mollie with Mike or Johnny?”

The second woman stated, “ I was referring to her legs!”

Thank You for everything Ronald Reagan may God Bless You and your family.

I graduated from High School in June of 1979 and voted for Ronald Reagan in his second election. When he was wrong he owned up and admitted it, when he was right he gave credit to others. He cast such a large shadow that I really don’t think George Bush the first didn’t, couldn’t survive the shadow. It seems that George Bush the second will have a better a chance to a second term than his father did.

I got this from a female friend and it seems to fit.


The guy's "Rule"

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally: the guy's side of. The story. I must admit it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. This is our rule! Please note... These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. .

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know the best way to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.




1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothings wrong. We know are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you do not want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

This is my way to talk to my best friend. I can’t talk to anyone else so here I will be heard. No one wants to hear what I have to say, so I will say it just in a different manner. The keyboard is my friend and I write to my friend.

I know life should be hard. Life should be tough, goals should be difficult maybe even unreachable. Hell, I don’t know but the struggle seems to take away from the joy of the journey.

I stop myself from enjoying life. I am the eternal glass half-empty instead of the glass half –full. Lately, God seems to have handed me the empty glass. If it were not for bad luck or no luck, I would have no luck!

What do I want from life? You keep asking me that question and I just don’t know anymore. What I wanted always seems to be the roller coaster ride of life. Things go up and things go down. Relationships happen, go well, go bad, they end.

What do I want from life?

I just want to be wanted, just wanted by someone that wants me. I want the impossible, I want some one to love me and to tell me when they want something and work with me, work on us.


Great relationships last years, last generations, they last lifetimes. It seems that at different times in a relationship, one person carries the other. Things happen, people go up, people go down.

One person has a bad day, the other picks them up, maybe it’s a bad week, bad month, hell maybe a bad few months your partner picks you up.

Selfishness seems to have gotten in the way of forgiveness.

Sometimes I want to be told what to do. I don’t want to be dominated or bullied, sometimes it is just easier to be told; “We’re going here” and we are going to do “this” or “that”. I like talking about us, I like pretending, and I like to dream. I hate the feeling saying something; anything will get me in trouble.

Twice in my life I felt afraid to say what I wanted and it led to devastation and the end of both relationships. I cannot believe that I became afraid to state what I wanted to say and was afraid that if I spoke out my relationship would end or be worse.

I was right in both instances and wrong as well. I was told I was aloof and moody. I was told I was grouchy, rotten and mean.

I guess I met and loved the wrong women at the wrong time. I felt each time was the right time, but they did not feel the same way.

My first love was a woman that loved herself more than she loved me. We were married, but she liked the finer things, the money, the cars, the stuff, etc. She wanted more than I did and she was ashamed of her own family and she seemed to be embarrassed of me and us. The family we almost had disappeared on one Christmas Eve and then so did we.



The second women I wanted to be with for rest of my life loved her kids from her first marriage more than she loved me or us. We always seemed to disagree on us, (the us of her and I) versus us, (Her kids, herself and I). When I asked her to marry me not once but twice, both times she said, “NOT YET”

Both relationships lasted more than ten years but ended in a second. Both came as shock, but looking back now


“HOW FREAKING BLIND WAS I”

Well here is one for you.

I am the HR Mgr for a 10 unit 500 employees’ restaurant chain. One of my sites called on Tuesday about 9:00am and said they caught a guy eating while working, definitely a no- no for us. The guy is reprimanded, suspended and told to go to the H.R. Office Tuesday at 9:00am. Thursday at 8:00 am he is banging at the door “let me in” I let him in and he starts the Ming. Every other word is F&*^-YOU! I calm him down and start asking questions, “Tell me what happened?”” Where were you working at the time?”

Well, long story short he came in early ate breakfast (which the restaurant paid for,) and then clocked –in and went to work in the kitchen. An hour later the manager notices him chewing, she asks him, “What are you eating?” After swallowing, he looks at the Manager dead in eye and he says

“NOTHING”

He admits to me that he found a half a bagel on the floor and picked it up and ate it.
He then told me that since he was the best employee we ever had we would never fire him. I then opened his folder to see 2 notes for no call, no shows. A third note for talking on cell phone while sweeping and another for returning 20 minutes late from a 10-minute break. All the notes were from the last 15 days. Yeah, “BEST EMPLOYEE” I say to myself. I show him the statement he signed at Orientation that theft of any kind would result in his termination. He explains that since the bagel was on floor we could not sell it, so it could not be theft and that he had been eating in the kitchen every day since he started. Throw a few MF’s in there and you get his story.

“ I always eat the stuff that hits the floor.”

He leans back in his chair and smiles, “So when do I go back to work?”

I look at him and say,

“Please return at 2:00 pm with your uniform so that I can give you your final check”

“F(*&-You, F$#@ all of you your not firing me you MF’s”

He jumps up heads for the door goes out slams it hard enough that the nearest window that was closed blew open.


All of that before 8:10 am I didn’t even have my coffee.

He returns at 3:00 pm and gets his check, his term document, and his un-employment handbook and asks me for a reference, yep a reference. I told him that employees that are terminated can’t get references from us and then he says,




“How about a personal reference from you”

I tell him, “Sorry, not from me.”

He jumps up and screams“ Well F*&^-YOU, You F%$#ing Asshole!

Once again he slams the door, window opens where I follow him outside to see him peel out in his car make a fast U-Turn and hits a parked car across the street, lots of damage to both cars he is not hurt but is trying to back his car out of the wreckage and the very next car down the street is the police.

Sometimes you just have to wait a little bit for karma.

I‘ve come to learn the hard way the my happiness, my success and most of all my life is dependant solely upon me. Twice I have given myself to others and both times I have been crushed. I know that you can’t get love until you give love and you never really think it’s a gamble to give up yourself to another for love. When it is right you just do it, you sacrifice yourself the relationship, the other person is more important than you are.

Looking back it is easy to see that I did give my self over to the “dark side” I felt alone and incomplete something was missing. Look being alone isn’t that bad it just lonely, I mean who do you complain to when you run out of milk?

It ‘s easy to be alone, you can come and go as you please, you don’t have to answer to anyone, make dinner for someone else clean up another person s mess or answer for your actions. Money / financial decisions are made instantly with out arguing or upset ness.

“What’s for dinner?” the lifelong question of the day is now gone. The endless arguments about dinner in the past now look so foolish, why was what we ate for dinner so freakin’ important? We rarely wanted to cook when we got home from work but we knew someone was going to cook, don’t get me wrong here I love to cook but cooking at the last minute and then cooking a second dish; or having to run to the market for one ingredient at the last minute. That’s the sacrifice you give up the ease of just fixing dinner versus tonight’s menu with the overcooked/ underdone complaints well now dinner is what ever I want, you know eggs and toast or cereal is great dinner sometimes.

Being alone sucks.

It’s 9:01 pm PST and it’s 12:01 EST

I may not be the best but let be the first

Happy Birthday to you today and forever



I remember birthdays in the past and I smile

I remember birthdays in the past and I think for a while

I remember the sparkle in your eyes and the love in your heart

I remember the touch of your hand and how you made your mark

I thought you were the one and but clearly not

So I look to the future seeking a love from you that is less than I want

Please be happy and know my love is true

And on this day I really think of you




Happy Birthday to you today and forever


Love

Pete

For the first time in my life I have Bronchitis. Most of the members of my family have had it but not me. I never understood what the deal was well now I do. Hell 3 weeks later I am still exhausted. When the dry cough was too much to bear I went to the Doctors. Many prescriptions later I found out I had Bronchitis. The complete exhaustion, the couch potato syndrome is unbearable. I still have no pep, no energy, no drive. On most work days the exhaustion sets in at noon and the rest of the day is a battle to get to 5:00 pm. Exercising seems impossible right now.

I get very irritable when I feel my time being wasted because it is just seems a waste of time while I fight to keep my energy up, while someone else moves at a snail s pace to complete minor tasks.

Dear MLB,

You have got to be kidding, right Spiderman webs put on the on the mound and bases DURING a game. If the Republicans or Democrats wanted to advertise on the bases would you allow it? A catchy donkey or elephant or is it just movies or is it just the movies someone at MLB picks? Can James Bond get “007” put on all the bases if the money was right?

Who exactly decides which company can be put on the bases? If Spiderman can get on, can the “HULK” or “THE X-MEN” get on? What about “FRODO” from Lord of the Rings, how about Ronald McDonald and the Grimace? Can Mickey Mouse be put on the bases or does he have to have a movie coming out? Must it be a cartoon character or could it a literary figure, what if Harry Potter wants on the bases?

Do I have to have a movie coming out or maybe if I was to write a book, could a character or an icon from my book be put on the bases? Will you allow my website address to be put on the bases or maybe I could advertise on just 1 base for a moderate fee. I mean it’s all about the money right?

Please respond to me because as lifelong baseball fan I am curious as to why MLB has decided to do this marketing gimmick that ruins the integrity of the game. Yeah, integrity. If you MLB can allow the field to be altered, can the players wear advertising on their uniforms?

Please list your requirements to advertise on the bases, the fee schedule and what advertises have you turned down? What standards have been set to determine what is or isn’t appropriate?
Who's next? VIAGRA, CIALIS?

How much money would it take for me to put a logo on your bases? Please explain why Spiderman 2 is allowed and what I need to do to get my company’s logo / website on the bases and pitcher mound.

I thought baseball was above this. The current advertising in the stadium’s takes away from the game as it is.